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#PERSPECTIVES | The Three Steps to Create Transformation

Join Sharon live in London, the third stop of the world tour, and listen is as she discusses expanding our awareness and acceptance of a perceived issue in our life before we jump to action, in order to create real and lasting solutions rather than superficial ones.


0.22 What we need to do for our selves and our clients is create real transformation, by helping them reclaim, reconnect and restore every emotion

· There are three steps to transformation

· Awareness > Acceptance > Activation

· If I want to experience a different reality, what’s causing my current reality?

· Thoughts, perceptions, habits, conditioning, programming

· Action coaching is just giving help on steps they can take to solve their problems but that doesn’t help them expand awareness of their thoughts, perceptions…

· Nothing in the mind will change

· Transformational coaching is about setting them up to make the decisions themselves by expanding their understanding of themselves

· Fixating on the problem ignores the source of the problem, and there will always be others to take its place


· I was raised to not have access to anger, anger was banned in my family, for girls, dad could get angry

· What emotions were not allowed for some of you?

· Audience Member: Expression

· Sharon: What do you mean by expression?

· AM: I loved to talk, and my mum put up a photo that said “you’re not allowed to talk too much, shut up”

· S: Why do you think the sign went up?

· AM: Because I talk too much, that’s what she said

· S: That’s not why the sign went up

· AM: Because she couldn’t handle it

· S: There it is, so who was it really about?

· AM: Her

· S: Right, but when you’re a kid it’s hard to see that. How do you think your mother was raised

· AM: Raised in a house where children were meant to be seen, not heard

· S: And how do you think the people that raised her were raised?

· AM: Same way

· S: Isn’t that interesting. I call it a tribal cycle. When I’m coaching you, I’m coaching the tribal cycle that taught you what you see, which is “the sign went up because I talk to much” instead of “the sign went up because she couldn’t handle it”

· I’m loving your mother right now. Why?

· Because we’re going to now move to acceptance. We’ve got the awareness piece, now let’s move on to part two

· Because she need to hear this too. As did you grandmother, and all the rest

· We’re all victims of victims

· If we find a perpetrator, we are putting the problem outside of ourselves

· “If they had only been different” but we’re talking about changing generations of tribal cycles

· Instead we have to say, this stops with me

13.30 This is one of my favourite models, we’ve got two scales, there’s the self (awareness, acceptance and more) and on the other, there are our problems

· If the problem is beyond our awareness, it looks huge

· If we instead raise awareness, the problem is redefined

24.10 I learned a lot of this stuff from the story The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch, which goes something like this

· A little soul went to heaven and said to God I want to know myself

· God says you are everything, what more is there to know

· The little soul says, I want to know love

· God says okay if you want to know love, I’m going to send you down to earth, and in the moment where you feel the most loved, and you’re with someone who you feel you can trust the most, I’m going to have them strike you down. And in that moment, if you still love, you will know love

· So the little soul goes down, and he finds someone, who he trusts and loves completely

· And in the moment of him giving his heart over, the moment of total vulnerability, that great friend struck him down

· And in the moment, he either remembered that he was love, or he was doomed to repeat the moment

· I’m freeing my client from being doomed to repeat it

· So that story is about acceptance of what is

· And until we move to acceptance of what is, we’re not really going to change it because our thinking’s not going to change

27.36 Am: Is there a responsibility to acknowledge your part in the tribal cycle?

· S: Not as a child, but as an adult yes

· As a child, your responsibility is to be a child, and that’s it

· Am: And what age do you have to grow up?

· S: When I got to 37 I thought I should probably try

· A lot of what we need to do is to get back to being a child

· It’s not about lack of responsibility, it’s about being fully ourselves

· I’ll come to your question about adult responsibility, here is my metaphor for that

· You come to a puddle, what does a fully embodied kid do?

· Jump in and make a splash

· And the adults will avoid the splash, avoid the puddle, maybe bitch about it

· So a child’s job or responsibility is to experience spontaneity, curiosity, warmth, love, playfulness, adventure, risk-taking, etc.

· What’s an adult’s responsibility? I believe its to live our best lives

30.34 As we go higher on the awareness and acceptance scale, our emotional reactivity goes down

· It gets us to a place where we don’t get hooked by everything our family does

31.06 AM: I have a question about acceptance, what if the client has so many things that have happened that they can’t get to acceptance because the things are unjust and unfair

· S: Firstly, if your client has been so traumatized by a childhood event, you should refer them on. We don’t coach that which is beyond the realms of coaching

· AM: What if the concept of unjustness, unfairness, inequality is important to your sense of self

· S: Are we talking about you or your client?

· AM: Me

· S: Where’s the inequality?

· AM: Feels like everywhere, I’m not sure. I’m thinking about the history, when I look at generation to generation, thinking about especially class inequality

· S: Whoa. So I’m coaching you, and you’re bringing to your session, the planet. We’re going to need a little bit longer. Clients bring their issues to their session, the don’t come saying to me, can you solve the inequality on the planet

· Clients come to me for help with them, not with others

· So that’s the awareness now do you see how if you come to a coaching session and ask me to help you with people I haven’t met yet, you’re asking to set me up for failure?

· AM: Yes

· So that’s acceptance, and then the activation would be, “How could you do that differently so it’s more impactful for you?


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